Certainly, celery.........

Here's the story
Of a chunky Lady
Who was downing yet another Value Meal

What with everything. for 99
She could eat and eat and eat
For quite some time

Till the one day when her pants no longer fit
She cursed and cried and screamed,
" That can't be right !?!?"

So she joined a gym with her
Chunky friend
And that's about as far as she got.....

Yep that's me ~ I once was skinny, trim and fit ~ Then along came a child ~ Chunky ~ Now, we know that pregnancy can add some poundage ~ It did ~ It never left ~ No matter how hard I tried ~ Ok, so I never really "tried" all that hard ~ Until on day along came heartache ~ And BAM ~ I was skinny again ~ Then I was happy ~ Then sad ~ You get the idea ~ Happy = FAT ~ Sad = SKINNY ~ My last round of heartache I lost 30 + pounds ~ I ran ~ Well first, I puked a lot ~ Then I ran ~ And ran ~ It cleared my head ~ I didn't have to think about my breaking heart and that of my son ~ I just ran ~ Forever ~ And damn I looked good ~ Then my heartache went away ~ And slowly but surely the pounds crept up ~ I like to think it was a sneak attack ~ Those nasty little pounds just forced their way on me ~ Without my consent ~ That brings me to the gym membership ~ The one I was all hot and ready to do ~ I had this wonderfully laid out plan of execution ~ I would arise from bed @ 5 am ~ Go to the gym ~ Which was 5 minutes from my house at the time ~ And workout like a demon until 630 ~ Head home and get ready ~ You see my mother in-law was living with us at the time, as she had yet retired, but had sold her house down here and purchased farther up North ~ Like 2 hours up North ~ So she bunked with us for WAY to long ~ Anywho, she was home with our son, should he awake ~ Yeah, great plan ~ I was going to stay in shape ~ Whoo Hoo !!! ~ Yeah me ~ Only one slight problem ~ My fat booty NEVER got out of bed ~ That was in 2006 ~ I went to the gym a total of, maybe 6 times ~ In 2006 ~ Never set foot NEAR the gym in 2007 ~ Never even THOUGHT about the gym in 2008 ~ Well, except to curse the fact that I couldn't cancel in January of 2009 ~ Which I forgot about doing until last Friday ~

Scene: Calling Bally's

Bally's = Hello, may I have your Membership # ?

Me = I have no idea WHAT my membership # is, does that give you a clue as to how often I have accessed my membership ??!?!

Bally's = *** Laughing....Can I have your name then

Me = Sure, it might e this or it might be that
**** got married, but not sure if I called Bally's and updated when I tried to
**** call and cancel in October 2008

Bally's = What city?

Me = Well, it could be Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Wa
**** see previous **** response

Bally's = Can I place you on hold while I look ?

Me = Certainly, I love listening to your automated "Thank you for calling, we appreciate your patience ~ Someone will be right with you", muzack !!!

Bally's = You want to cancel, right ?

Me = Yes, I don't and have NEVER used the gym in 2 years ~ I want to cancel

Bally's = Well, I can't cancel you

Me = WTF ?!?! Come again ?!?!? Why NOT ?

Bally's = Well, the contract you signed in 2006, was for 3 years

Me = Yeeeessssssssssssss, and it was up in January of 2009 ~ It is now March of 2009, unless I am living in the Twilight Zone

Bally's = No, it is March of 2009, but the contract you signed automatically gave you a YEAR FREE, when the original contract expired ~

Me = ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME ?!?!? So what you are telling me then, is that there is NOTHING for you to cancel ? Am I understanding you correctly ?

Bally's = Yes, so might I suggest you use the membership, since you have it for a year FREE

Me = **** Laughing ~ Yeah, alright ~ I'll get right on that ~ Thanks ~

And so ends the call ~ And so started my wonderful ideas of grandeur ~ My big plans ~ I would use the gym ~ After all, I don't have to pay for it ~ What better motivator than to have absolute use of EVERY Bally's ~ EVERYWHERE ~ For free ~ Yeah, I have yet to make it there ~ Why, I could be there now ~ But instead I am sitting on my chunky butt blogging away ~ Now, if you'll excuse me ~ I have some chocolate chip cookies to make before 24 starts ~ And I have 2 full gallons of ice cold milk !!!!!!