Engage a different gear, mental gear that is...

Time and time again people have, for centuries, tried to change one another. Be it to change ones way of thinking, dressing, behaving, it doesn't really matter. We try and we fail. And when faced with such a predestined fate, what do we as humans do again ? Why, we try of course ! Only to be met with failure and disappointment again. Then why do we still try ? Is it in our nature as humans to do so ? I have for years, tried to change the way I respond to my Mother when she goes off on one of her tantrums. When I was younger I would yield to her very presence. It was after all the easiest way to deal with her. Speak when spoken to. Stand or sit perfectly straight. Smile politely. That type of thing. Looking back, I feel that I was merely a prop. Something to show the world, that although she was a teenage Mother, she had this perfectly well behaved child. A child that she could control. A child that always received my Mother praise, for the way I behaved. My Dad, whenever he was around would take credit for my behavior as well. As if he had something to do with it. I always did as I was told. Behaved and presented myself in a manner that would not garner my Mother any negative attention or humiliation. I was 28 years old when I first sassed my Mother. I sassed. She stood there mouth wide open, perfectly still. You could see her blood start to boil when it registered in her brain what I had just done. My Grandmother, who always thought my Mother was to strict with me, sat there like a deer in headlights. I scooped up my 4 year old in one arm. Shoes and purse in the other and out the door I walked, putting my child in the car and heading home. I had such relief. I couldn't believe that I actually made it out of the house in one piece, let alone alive !! I was elated !! I didn't speak to my Mother for over a week and even then it was only at the insistence of my Grandmother that I call her. I did. Ready to face whatever was going to be thrown at me. And believe me, I have a very vivid imagination. So I had gone over and over in my head every possible scenario and what my response would be. All my mother said was, "Are you coming to dinner Wednesday?" That was it. Nothing was ever said about the incident. That was 10 years ago. I let it go. Or so I thought. I haven't. I keep it way down deep. I don't address it. I let it eat at me until I can take no more. Then I run. I run because I don't have to think. The only thing I think about is breathing. We have had our little tiffs since then. I always tend to get the "talk" when I'm locked in a speeding car on a 6 hour drive with her. I always get the, " I hurt her feelings. ", " I should think of her instead of myself all the time.", Or the best, "You act just like your father !!". Really ?!?!? How could that be, since I can count on one hand over the course of my 38 years, the number of times I have seen my father !!!! Little digs like that. Snide remarks made to whip me back into "Stepford" mode. Did it work ? Yeah, for a while. Honestly, how did you expect me to respond while in a speeding car in the middle of nowhere ?!?!? I wanted to make it to our destination alive. So this New Year and this Theme of Change, made me decide to, for real, change the way I deal with her. She will never change. But I can. She will always be bitter and angry. But I won't. It isn't or maybe in her mind it is, me that makes her that way. Perhaps it is even in my mind. But that is her choice. Not mine. I can't make her feel any of those things. Does this mean that I don't think she is entitled to feel the way she does ? No, she can feel and deal or not, however she chooses. We all, are entitled to feel the way we feel. We also are entitled to deal however we choose to deal. For me, as well as my family, I am choosing to confront her with her behavior when it pops up. And believe me it POPS when you least expect it. To let her know, that she doesn't get to speak to me or treat me or my child the way she does. That her tantrums are no longer going to be tolerated. I am who I am. If she doesn't like it or agree with it that is her choice. Not mine, for I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where my life's journey has taken me. So, I had a child at 24. So, I wasn't married. So I waited until said child was 14 to marry the child's father. All unspeakable acts in the mind of my mother. Why ? Who knows. She was married at 18 and had me. She was divorced by age 22. Did I ever judge her ? No. Did she feel judged in 1970 for the way her life had turned out ? Probably. But it is something she won't ever speak of. She is who she is. I respect my Mother and all that she accomplished in raising me on her own. I am, I thought her biggest accomplishment. Now, I feel I am her biggest disappointment. Why ? Because I took control of my life from her. Because I choose to have a voice and because I choose to be, live and behave as an adult. I love my Mother. I can't change my Mother. I can however change me. And I feel it's about time.